Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
