You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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