I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
