I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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