Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
