i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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