you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
