tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
