I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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