p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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