so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
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