Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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