Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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