Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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