i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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