I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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