I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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