I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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