Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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