My cat gives me a boner
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
