Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
