Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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