every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
