Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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