my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
