so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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