Apparently you make a good broom.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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