captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
