I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
