I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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