I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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