if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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