apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
