Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
