Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
