On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
