he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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