I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
