there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
