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Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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