Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
