6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
