When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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