btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
