My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
