Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
