There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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