it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
