I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Randomize
