Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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