I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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