even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
