I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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