I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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