Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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