i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
