I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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