He disabled his match.com account in front of me
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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