it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
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