you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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